July 21, 2011

Letter #4

Dear all those Americans who drive (legally or illegally),

Hi there. I know we don’t have the best history. I haven’t always been the nicest to you in the past (generally because you tend to act like a giant tool or cut me off or go 30 in a 45 zone or insist that your giant SUV can fit in the compact spot therefore making the spots on either side unusable to those of us that actually drive compacts or – wait, sorry, that’s beside the point, no need to start pointing fingers…even though you drive like a blind 85 year old with a cotton swab for a brain), and I’m sorry if anything I’ve said has hurt your feelings or come across…strongly. No, that wasn’t yelling, I was just trying to make sure you heard me through the glass and stuff. And that was totally my ring finger, I was just, uh, checking to see that I still had my ring on…. Don’t question me!


So, I just thought I’d write you this friendly letter to check up on things. I want to make a fresh start. I feel like we could be great friends if we tried. Thus, I propose a clean slate. How are you? How’s the wife (or husband or significant other if you happen to have one – if not that’s cool too, bud) and kids? Did you get that promotion you were looking for?

There, that wasn’t so bad, was it? This looks to be the start of a beautiful friendship, built on mutual respect and understanding. Isn’t this nice?

So, friend, while we’re talking so openly, I just had one teensy thing I wanted to mention. It’s nothing major, don’t fret. It’s just –

No, don’t shut me out like that! This isn’t any sort of attack on your driving abilities, I promise. You just seem to be having a bit of trouble with the concept of four-way stops. Don’t worry; it happens to all of us. And as your new friend I felt it fitting that I be the one to bring this up, comrade. But there are a few things that we can use to fix this little issue.

1.       When I get to the four way stop first, I have the right of way.
2.       When we arrive at the same time and I am on the right, I have the right of way.
3.       When the car in front of you goes and I am next in line in my lane, I have the right of way.
4.       When my car is bigger than yours, I have the right of way.
5.       When I’m in a hurry, I have the right of way.
6.       When you don’t pay attention and decide to sleep through your turn, I have the right of way.
7.       When in doubt, I have the right of way.
8.       When I have the right of way, you best get out of the way.

There, that wasn’t so hard, was it? Just two friends having a friendly chat and hashing out one friend’s idiocy in a nice, friendly fashion.


P.S. I swear to whatever deity you follow, if you cut me off one more time…

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