August 27, 2011

In which Kaitlyn watches Lord of the Rings

For years I have been told that I need to watch Lord of the Rings, and although I made an attempt many, many years ago, I never got around to it. SO tonight I am watching The Fellowship of the Ring for the first time. As I watch it, I am keeping a realtime blog window open on my phone so as to allow me to accurately document what I'm thinking as I watch this movie for the first time. I hope you enjoy, and wish me luck.

Lets start with the film's rating tile: "epic battle scenes?"
Okay, LotR, I'm sold already.

Four minutes in and my mother has already lectured me for getting hung up on how epic Sauron's (sp) helmet is.

Oh my gracious, Andy Serkis!!!!

Ew, hobbit feet, that's right. But look, Dumbledore finally showed!!! (Okay, I know his name is Gandalf [the Grey], but whatevz.) I just thought to myself, "Wow, Frodo is really short." Then I remembered he is a hobbit and Gandalf is about Mr. Lake's size.

Seeing all of this food on Bilbo's table is making me hungrier than I already was. I'm going to get yelled at if I ask for a food break after just 15 minutes.

Oh. Bilbo has swag. Way to make an exit, I see what you did there.

Um, quick question, can I have an epic circle door in my dorm?

That library Gandalf does all of that research in reminds me of Aydindril. 1734 points if you got that reference sans Google.

So Gandalf just told Frodo, a small British kid with dark hair, to keep the ring out of the hands of the "dark lord," whose spirit (which is magically tied to this ring) has returned from death. Ummm, how is this not Harry Potter?

[Dinner break]

Oh look, another Dumbledore-wannabe. My kitty is trying to distract me with her cuteness.

Wait, I missed something, now Dumbledore 2 is beating the crap out of Magneto. Two old guys using their Magical Walking Sticks to make each other slip and fall backwards. Is this their idea of "epic battle scenes"? If so, I am incredibly disappointed.

Okay, these two clowns again? I thought Frodo and Sam traveled crazy far by this point - how are Pippin and Merry conveniently there already?

Oh dear God, a frigging spider. I can't watch this. My mother is now narrating what is going on in the scene with the ring wraith while I cower behind a pillow. Yes, this is my life.

Okay, give me a second. Are they actually heading to a place called the "Prancing Pony"? Like really now?
Um, where is Orlando Bloom? Really now. I need me some Legolas.

I approve of hobbit eating schedules. Do you think we could get school to implement elevensies as a regular
part of class scheduling?

They are killing the trees??? What the frak, man?!

Okay, really now Pippin??? Can you do nothing right??? You are ruled by your stomach worse than a
starving teenage boy. Why Frodo doesn't just get some sense and ditch the two clowns, I'll never know.

What was that disgusting thing just born in Mordor? I just lost my lunch, kay thanks.

I just spent seven minutes not watching the movie because my father insisted that "Dune" was in the literary canon. I won the argument, but now I'm horribly lost and suddenly Liv Tyler is here. What?

Elron is a frigging creeper. King of the Elves? Awk. Also, isn't Rivendale where Nancy Drew lived?
Something like that.

YES ORLANDO BLOOM FINALLY SHOWED UP. My attention has returned to the film. Oh look, he brought Hagrid with him.

Okay, I have another question. Why hasn't Middle Earth advanced AT ALL in the 3,000 years since the ring was lost? Do they not have any scientists developing anything? The fashion and social stratas haven't even changed, for goodness sake. No wonder things there are all screwed up.

Every time I try to open my mouth, my mom yells at me that this is an "important part." I don't need to see Liv Tyler make out with the Ranger guy (whose name is escaping me, so I guess I will just call him Low Standards Guy). That is not "important."

Oh my lanta. Orlando Bloom is fiiiine.

Wow. Way to aptly name them the Fellowship of the Ring. I see what you did there. Very clever.

OOOOH. Hagrid is the guy who did the voices for the Indianna Jones ride!!! Got it.

Um, so does Gandalf not have any magic? Because it seems like Dumbledore 2 is kind of kicking his arse, and I think all parties would appreciate it if Magneto got his act together and started earning his keep.
Since Gandalf is basically Dumbledore, why can't they just apparate to the mountain? A portkey would also work just as well. ("Professor, can a person be a portkey?" "Noooo, don't be ridiculous....because then if a person were to...touch themself, they would be instantly transported to a different location.")

So the gang just got trapped in the mine. When it got dark, I said "lumos" as a joke. Then Magneto hit his Magic Walking Stick on the ground and it lit up. WIN.


Frodo is officially Daphne. Perpetual victim, much?

Please don't even get me started on the underground stairs thing. Ugh.

Um Cate Blanchett....wth just happened?

I already knew about can someone please tell me what the crap an Uruk is?

Okay, during the orc attack, Low Standards Guy just single-handedly revoked ALL of your man-cards. Please proceed to the counter to turn them in.

I really want to give Sam a hug. He didn't leave Frodo! And although he was a bumbling buffoon the entire film, he was still lovable to no end. Poor guy has it hard.

All right, the movie ended...with a cliffhanger. Derks.

My final thoughts?
1.) I liked it, really.
2.) The soundtrack is PHENOMENAL.
3.) Orcs are bloody scary.
4.) Crap, I put off all of my Math 6 homework to watch this.
5.) Um, can I please go to New Zealand now? Kay thanks.


  1. *Two and a half thousand years

    An Uruk-hai is a cross between an orc and an elf. They're bigger, faster, and rock hard. Also, they're only born in Isengard. (It also means that at some point, an elf slept with an orc)

    I can give you the soundtrack but all you'll ever do is listen to "Concerning the Hobbits" (the song at the beginning).


    How come you didn't even mention Boromir!??? D:

  2. but if an elf slept with an ork, why does the uruk-hai not funciton as a liger, in which it cannot breed. this begging the question: are elves constantly sleeping with orcs?

  3. First of all, let's all remember that LoTR was written years before Harry Potter.