Risk

I’m a nerd.

There, I admitted it. I know this may come as a shock to many of my adoring fans, but it is true. Alas, alack, and Aladdin. I have come to terms with this, and it is time you all did as well.

As I am a nerd, I enjoy doing dorky things. Like watching Star Trek reruns. And calculus. And playing Settlers of Catan. I think we’ve discussed my love of Settlers back in the early days of this blog. My mock trial coach is the person who initially introduced me to Settlers (and “BANG! The Bullet” for that matter), and to this day I have never won a game against him. I usually just settle (Haha, get it, settle? So punny.) for wreaking as much havoc on Catan as I possibly can. And making the longest road. Because of how I took to Settlers, my coach (who is singlehandedly the coolest person I know) insisted that I learn how to play Risk. However, he always failed to bring a Risk board on mock trial and history day trips. Sob sob.

This year, I got my first chance to play Risk in Calculus after the AP test. Our teacher insisted we be completely productive after AP testing – we worked studiously on new formulas and methods, and all managed to master Taylor polynomials and infinite limits with little effort.

JK dawg. Don’t get crazy now.

We watched movies. And played “BANG! The Bullet.” And ate food. AND played Risk one day.

First, I had never played before, nor had my partner (there were a lot of us that wanted to play, so all of the noobs got paired up. GO TEAM GREEN!) in years. Factor in my complete exhaustion, both physically and emotionally, and we can safely say that I had no idea what I was doing.

This is what I spent most of the game doing.
When I wasn't sabotaging Eastern Europe.

One of the best things about playing Risk in this generation is that alliances can be formed via text message. Of course, Robyn and I never carried through with these alliances. It was much more fun to ally, pretend, then screw the other person over. Sorry, Phillip.

My one hang-up throughout the whole game (when I was actually paying attention to the board and not my new action figures) was the size of Venezuela. And Russia. And frigging AFGHANISTAN.

You have to be kidding me.

To begin, that is barely the appropriate continent. You know what? I’ll let that slide. But the size? I’m sorry, but really now? Since when is Afghanistan physically large enough to take down Russia? (We’re completely ignoring those pesky little things like nuclear armament and pure, unadulterated rage) If you’re going to be THAT loose with geography, you might as well just make up your own countries/mythical land. At least then I would be able to play the game in peace.

Scratch that. Anybody up for a game of Settlers?