The Joys of Social Networking

I love Facebook. I really, really do. I’ll admit, it’s really not a healthy relationship – I put so much time and effort into it, I give it my whole heart and nothing less, and yet it continues to see over 400 million other people (“want you to make me feel/like I’m the only girl in the world/like I’m the only one you’ll social network with”). In fact, I’d say my relationship borders on emotionally abusive. But I love it, and so I stay with it.

That being said, I do have some major qualms with Facebook. Any relationship has its problems, and this one is no different.

1. It makes stalking way too easy.

2. You can find way too many cool and interesting people on Facebook. Which doesn’t sound like a problem, I’ll admit. It becomes an issue, however, when you realize that the only contact you’ve ever even remotely had with this person is through a social networking site. You’ve never talked to them and, coming from personal experience, it usually doesn’t work out well when you start a chat conversation with, “Hey, I’m Kait. You don’t actually know me, but we’ve been fb friends for a while now, and I’ve randomly stalked your every wall post and status update over the last three weeks. You’re cool and we have a lot in common. Let’s be friends!”

This icebreaker is even worse when it comes to boys.

3. No matter how many people are online there is NEVER ANYONE TO TALK TO.

(Very similar to the phenomenon in which a teenager will look at a fridge full of food and find nothing to eat)

4. “I’m just going to spend five minutes on Facebook, and then I’ll go right back to that essay that’s due tomorrow.”

Yeah right.

5. The Zuck keeps changing my #$&@!+#$ing layout. Yeah, okay, some of these changes are good and helpful and make it easier to navigate. But this “streamlined” chat and newfangled “groups” and whatnot are just messing with my system. Every time the Zuck makes a change, it takes me months to get used to it. Then the minute I actually know what I’m doing, I’m getting updated to the new profile or some other shenanigans. It’s rather uncool. The Zuck is a soul-sucking dementor. (that was a bit redundant)

6. Breakups go from sad reasons for the purchase of depressing, angsty teen music to horrifyingly public affairs in which everyone and their brother knows that you are now single and desperate.

7. You get to spend hours at a time looking at pictures of other people’s awesome lives and crying over how pitiful your own is.

8. Gossip spreads faster than herpes through the Bachelor contestants’ mansion.

9. Seeing everyone’s posts about that bangin’ party last night is just depressing when you finally come to terms with the fact that you are never invited to anything. *sighs*

10. That one guy. You know him, that one troll that always feels it necessary to post on everyone’s wall, like every status update, and comment on every new picture, oftentimes with either “Trollolololololol” or some inane comment. If you’re the Troll, you know who you are. NO one loves you. Get out.