I can't step off of my bed.
A spider just crawled from underneath my dresser (the very dresser, mind you, that I had to all-but crawl under this morning to retrieve an earring - meaning that my arms unknowingly crossed into spider-territory and I could easily have died), crossing my carpet in a determined attempt to kill me. Fortunately, my fight-or-flight response kicked in, choosing the heroic option, and I beat the tiny monstrosity into the carpet with the back of my remote before flinging said remote across the room and leaping back to safety.
I am now trapped on top of my bed because touching carpet means sure death by arachnid. It's like that game we used to play when we were little at the gymnastics academy where the blue carpet was "lava" and we had to climb around. Only way less fun because this time instead of having to walk back to the beginning and start over if you stepped on the "lava", the punishment for stepping on the carpet is instant destruction by way of spiders.
Yeah, no way I'm getting any sleep tonight.