It started like this:
Me: [eating oreos because I totally didn't need to be doing homework or anything] Did Oreos get smaller all of the sudden?
Paternal Unit: What are you talking about?
Me: Look at the diameter! I swear, the cookie got smaller!
Paternal Unit: assorted mockery Well....yeah, the diameter does look a little bit smaller....
Me: TO THE FORUMS!
So we each began to scour the internet for confirmation that Nabisco, the dastardly villains, shrunk the size of Oreo cookies. He relied on Wikipedia (UGH), and I ended up on this runner's forum where the original post was: "I was eating Oreos for the first time in a while yesterday and it seemed like the diameter of the cookie was significantly smaller than what I remembered it being. Have they gotten smaller in the last few years?"
Little did this user know, he had unleashed a hellstorm of epic proportions.
|You diabolical little monsters.|
The commentary was awful. Seriously.
The first nasty one: "Hate to tell you brother, but you're just fatter so they look smaller. Just keeping it real brother."
Yes, because asking a question about cookie dimensions is cause for commentary about a person's weight.
Next we had: "They are raising prices AND cutting size. Then the government lies about the inflation rate in the CPI and Flagpole believes them."
Awesome, paranoid conspiracy theory, right on schedule...
Then simply: "grocery shrink ray"
Ooo, that was science-y, good for you!
A bit later: "Yeah. And they're still murdering millions of Palestinians...or Arabs...or was it goats? Can't remember. Doesn't matter, it's all a conspiracy. You don't see it? That's because your mind is OWNED by Big Media which is OWNED by the You Know Whos. Wake Up!"
I'm sorry, what? How did the Palestinian Question even come up? Does anyone remember that this started out as a conversation about OREO COOKIES?
My personal favorite (referring to another commentator's statement that the packages were just getting smaller): "Ooh, package shrinkage. I hate when that happens."
HEY LOOK, SOMEONE REMEMBERED WHY WE WERE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE: "Just wanted to show that the original point here was questioning the diameter of the cookie, and no one seems to have evidence to the contrary. They have had packages of different sizes through time so changing the standard packaging isn't the same as changing the product."
For each of the comments I put here, there were at least four containing disgusting levels of racism, anti-semitism, and abhorrent spelling that I couldn't bear to defile my blog with. If you're really curious enough, go here. Don't say I didn't warn you.
And while I was being horrified by the Internet, my dad was discovering that for a limited time Nabisco produced triple-decker Oreos. Yes, you heard me correctly.
So much want. So, so much want.