August 9, 2011

I just want you gone.

I feel censored. All of the time.

I'm having one of those teen-angst-no-one-understands-me-my-life-is-so-hard days. They're fun, no?

And today, my biggest complaint is that I feel censored in everything I do.

I want to post a like on Facebook. Oh, wait, my pastor and parents and family are my Facebook friends, never mind.
I want to blog about drama in my life. Oh, wait, some of my friends read this and would know what I'm talking about, never mind.
I want to tell a new friend about something that's upsetting me. Oh, wait, she goes to school with someone who is involved, never mind.
I want to get opinions on my writing and poetry. Oh, wait, I'll look like a desperate compliment-grubber who just wants attention, never mind.
I want to be frank about something with someone new in my life. Oh, wait, that person will see me for the freak I am, never mind.
I want to ask for help with something. Oh, wait, certain people will patronize me for not knowing everything, never mind.
I want to express a political opinion. Oh, wait, most of the people in my life don't share the same views as me, never mind.
I want to be an author for a certain web site. Oh, wait, colleges and potential employers will be able to see that, never mind.
I want to speak my mind. Oh, wait, you'll read what I post, never mind.

I used to love the fact that I wasn't afraid to tell people what I thought - it was one of my proudest traits - but more and more it feels like I have to hold my tongue to keep it in check. Sometimes it's just easier to smile and pretend everything is just dandy rather than confront. And I really am no good at it.

1 comment:

  1. Kaitlyn, you're one of the most honest people I know, and some people may not like that, but I admire you for it. It takes guts to be as confident and sure of yourself and your opinions as you are.
    I'm afraid of confrontation, too. Hey, most people are. I hate creating conflict or being a part of it, but I guess it's just a part of life, you know? (This sounds so cliche...) You can't just expect to smile through everything and pretend it's all okay and expect it all to be okay.
    So if there's something you feel strongly about, I say speak out for it. I want to write more, but I don't want to rant, so I'll stop now...
    I enjoy reading your blog. :)